wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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