I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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