I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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