Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
