I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
