i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
