dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
it's like heaven, but drunker
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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