Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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