life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Your penis caused this!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
