the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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