so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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