Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
