I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
