I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
