I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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