I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
