I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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