when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
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You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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