I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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