All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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