Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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