My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
