He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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