Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We need to get me chipped asap
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
