I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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