we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
