when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
