me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
