My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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