I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
