It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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