I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
