That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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