He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just found a bag of teeth...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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