never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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