Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
