I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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