he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
