apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
