Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
