she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i've created a new STD.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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