some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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