sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
