Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
