She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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