True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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