i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
