There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
