the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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