Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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