Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
