I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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