The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
