My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
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Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
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Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night