I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
