At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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